my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She even gives head with a lisp.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
