Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
