Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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