I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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