i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
