I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
