i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
