i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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