I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
