Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
