You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
