So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
