On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
