She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
