I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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