All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
