My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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