Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
