I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
