Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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