I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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