I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
