Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
