The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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