I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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