Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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