so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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