im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
