do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
