I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize