it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
