omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
