my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
