My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As shirtless as possible
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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