Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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