so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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