All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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