My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's always time for handjobs
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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