Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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