Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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