I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
