Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
