Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
