I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
