dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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