How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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