Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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