sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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