Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
