Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
