honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
