the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
