Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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