I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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