If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
