I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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