Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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