I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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