What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
