I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize