Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
